Chili tasting notes

<editor's note>
Richard Pushaw passed on the following: 
</editor's note>

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: 

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges and
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." 

Here are the scorecards from the event: 
Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too
heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor.
Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. 

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili 
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. 
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am 
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face. 

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent
firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless
chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've
located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of
my chest. I'm getting plastered from all the beer. 

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic 
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE
TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across
my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste
buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills;
that ugly woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste
I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? 

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover 
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded
beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked
me to stop screaming. The Hell with those rednecks! 

Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold
vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. 
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb. 
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, 
sulfuric flames. I soiled myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone! 

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili
with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as
if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last
moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears
to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. 
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I 
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like doo-doo to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. 

Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili 
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This
final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to
see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over
and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot
chili. 

JUDGE THREE: Note from Chili Competition Sponsor -- Judge Three was
unable to speak, write or otherwise communicate. Apparently, he was
speechless with delight. 
 
 
 
 
 
Smile    .    .    .
 
Fletcher
Royal Society of X - Pensive Winos

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