Stupid Brewer Tricks

Date: Sun, 9 Jun 2002 23:25:51 -0500
From: "Rob Moline" 
Subject: Stupid Brewer Tricks-Gump Gets The Prize!

Stupid Brewer Tricks-Gump Gets The Prize!

     OK....the usual bleatings and verbal abuse occur...."He's a stupid
brewer.." "He has stupid ideas, manners, spelling, etc.."
     But Gump WINS! I got you all beat!

     Today, after kegging up the last 3 or 4 kegs of Hefe-Weizen from
Serving Tank Four, I set the hoses and pump up for a CIP, and started
filling the vessel with 180 F H2O for a PBW CIP....always trying to achieve
2 or 3 things at once, and with a mind to 6 other tasks I wanted to start, I
moved swiftly and surely to remove the airstone from the TC Clamp fitted
airstone, located at approximately the 2 UK bbl level of a 5 UK bbl Porter
Lancastrian tank.
     So, it was with a deft spring in my step that I turned, and whipped off
the clamp that held the airstone...on Serving Tank FIVE (!!)........and
entered a state of anomic shock as I realized.... after those few initial
milliseconds, measured in lifetimes....that I now had an almost full tank of
carbed, pressurized beer, doing a water cannon impression from a 1.5 inch
port......drowning me, the walls, the ceiling with beer!
     Now, I don't know if panic and sinking prospects of success have ever
combined in your mind with that old feeling, "What a half-wit you
are!"..........but please be assured that they entered mine, as I fought to
replace the gasket in the TC plate groove, and hold them to the butt weld
fitting to stem the flow! Profits blasting out the port faster than my boots
were filling, drenched with a seemingly un-ending cannon of 40F Pale Ale, I
soon realized that one can't see when your spectacles are covered with a
torrential flow of suds...then after whipping off the spec's and tossing
them to the floor behind me...I realized that you also are blind with beer
in your eyes! Every time you blink to clear them, they are cannon-shot again
with more brew! Get the spec's back! Damn, I can't find them!!!
     So, now resigned to just closing the eyes and working blind, and by
feel....I managed to force the gasket/stone assembly back into place! Whew!
The flow is still there, but only a fraction of what it was.
     Now...where is that clamp? Damn, you can't see anything in the 2-3
inches of foam now covering the floor...but, wait! There's a clamp on the
tank I meant to take the stone from! But I can't reach it!
     Here's where you learn that the distance you have from the hustle of a
lunchtime brewpub rush, always coveted in the past in the cellar's cold
room.......is not the comfortable ally you need right now...as no one can
hear you calling for help! So, now, let's do arm stretches, with only half
your loss occurring while you reach for the other clamp...and again...get in
front of the torrent....till finally, the beast is buried!!
     Cutting it short, I think I only lost 1-1.5 USbbls.......at least a
pony keg in my boots! Totally drenched from head to toe....hat to beer
filled boots, I had to go to a department store nearby to buy new trousers
and socks...my boss bought me a new shirt....
     I guess he was just making up for the staff's jovial way of howling
with laughter and rolling on the floor upon seeing my drowned rat
appearance....and to ensure my trip home was not interrupted with a "Why,
yes Officer, I do smell like a brewery!"
And for those considering a career in brewing, you too should consider the
luxury of having a bath from a hand sink with restaurant cleaning towels!
Yumm!

     Summary...Try this if you want to emulate a scene from a submarine
movie, following the depth charges.....

     So, there! GUMP WINS the Stupid Brewer Award! The rest of you don't
even rate!

Still smelling of beer,
I remain,
As Stupid As Ever,
Gump!

"The More I Know About Beer, The More I Realize I Need To Know More About
Beer!"

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